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I cannot say I am a full jealous or envious girl (if that’s a thing) ,but there are times moments when these feelings sneak into my heart.
A while ago as I was dragging my feet on the idea of starting my blog. My favorite author and creator launched hers.
We have never met. She does not know me. But I know her and I have been a fan of her work.
There is a lot of inspiration and encouragement I consume from her content, but on this particular day. The day she launched her website, ugly feelings of jealousy and envy were begging to take up real estate in my heart.
All of a sudden ,the woman I admired felt like a competitor rather than a source of inspiration.
Was it jealousy or envy?
I’ve just discovered there is a difference between jealousy and envy! How often these words are used interchangeably.
In fact they are sometimes used as similes of each other, yet by definition they are not.
Envy is the desire to have what someone else has. The ‘what’ in question being possessions, people and position. Jealousy on the other hand is the fear of losing what or who you love to someone else or to a threat. You are usually jealous of the other person’s access to what is yours. Knowing whether it is jealousy or envy helps you have the proper antidote for dealing with the issue.
Jealousy attacks what you already have
Genesis 37 is a tale of Joseph and his 11 brothers. They shared a father. Jacob. He loved Joseph more than the other 11. (Genesis 32:3) . His affection was directed more towards Joseph than the other 11 and they hated him ( genesis 37:4)and became jealous of him ( Gen 37:11)
What were the brothers jealous about?
It was the affection and preference the father showed towards Joseph. Joseph became a threat towards their father’s affection towards them.
Notice .The mutual in this story is the father who is showering his love more towards Joseph than to the other brothers.
And that’s what jealousy is. When you believe there is a threat towards that which is your own.
Jealousy is concerned with 3 parties. You, the person you love and the threat.
I’ve noticed I often become jealous when I feel excluded by the person I love. Whether its a relative, friend ,sibling or partner. That which they are directing their attention towards ,becomes the threat to what I share with this mutual person.
Jealousy often manifests by either criticizing what the other person has. This is in an attempt to at least be in control of the situation.
Or overanalyzing/stalking the threat as a way to study what it is about them that has attracted your favorite person to them. Or when your throat tightens at the mere mention of their name.
Jealousy is often the fear of being excluded.
Feeling jealous is a normal human feeling.
The issue is when we let the J word live rent free in our hearts for a long time. When we allow jealousy to consume us it oftentimes manifests into envy.
Sometimes we struggle celebrating others because their achievements feel like pointers to our own uncertainties.
For example: you have been procrastinating ,stalling on the idea of starting something. Something being either a business or a YouTube channel. Your friend or someone you know launches hers. Instead of being happy for her it instead points to your own uncertainty of whether you have the courage and confidence to start yours.
Or your friend gets involved in a romantic relationship . Instead of being happy for them. It instead points to your uncertainty of whether you’ll find someone who will like you and this thought is substantiated by the fact that you have been single for 5+ years now.
Or your colleague seems to contribute something smart in every conversation you have with them or in a group setting , it makes you question your own level of intelligence.
Or maybe it’s someone you know who is always so confident in speech and in their conduct and instead of admiring them, you are intimidated.
Envy focuses on lack.
A friend gets employed at the company you both applied to. And instead of being excited for them , you feel you also deserved that job.
Someone you know has perfect clear skin whilst you struggle with acne and you start believing they are prettier than you are ,hence you become envious of them.
Or your friend posts a reel on her social platforms and it goes viral. With thousands of likes and comments on her posts. Yet you struggle getting to 100 views and likes on your own posts.
Envy is often fragrant when we spend time scrolling on social media and begin to look at ourselves and our lives through the lenses of what we have seen on our for you pages.
This might not be an exhaustive list ,but everyone at one point in their life struggles with the feelings of envy.
How do we deal with envy ?
1. Understanding that everyone is given their own load to carry.
This is a principle I learnt from the book Becoming more than a good bible study girl by Lysa T.
Whatever they have is not yours and you don’t have the capacity to carry the load of what they have. Both the good and the bad.
We are usually exposed to someone’s glitz and glamour online, but never the times when they cried, stressed, worried, were humiliated and embarrassed to get to where they are now. Or even the sacrifice and responsibilities that comes with the blessings.
We are each uniquely designed for something tailored for us
2. Redirect your path
If you allow it, envy can help you see the areas in your life that you had neglected. It can remind you of the areas you need to start focusing on.
This can begin by asking yourself this question, What is the one thing in my life that I keep procrastinating on?
How far with the plans of starting a podcast? What about the business you were planning on starting months ago? Remember you had plans to start going to the gym. How far with the goal to ‘read more books’ this year? And your spirituality? Remember you said you wanted to grow closer to God this year?
Maybe it’s time to start focusing on these plans now. And remove your energy from consuming content of the person you are envious of.
3. Adopt the abundance mindset over the scarcity mindset
Scarcity mindset is the belief that there’s not enough for everyone. When someone else achieves something or gets a blessing in the area you’ve always wanted , you feel as if something has been taken away from you.
Abundance mindset is believing that there is room for everyone. That God blessing someone else does not shortchange your blessing.
There is no one winner. We can all be winners . And we can defeat envy by adopting this mindset.
4. Shower them with love
Romans 12:21 reminds us to ‘overcome evil with good’. This-is-very-hard-to-do.
But the one way to overcome envy is to shower that person with love and then you pray for them. It is difficult to hate on the success of someone you have been praying for.
(I speak more about this in another post).
How do we deal with Jealousy?
Make peace with who are and who you were created to be.
Knowing who you are (psalms 139:14) begins by knowing where you come from.(genesis 1:26,27) (Gen 2:7)
The source of it helps you know what your identity is. You are identified according to who created you.
Your inner confidence therefore comes from the fact that God loves you . You are dearly loved .
While the person you love seems to be directing their attention to someone else. You should always remember that they can never replace you because who you are is only who you can be. You.
That’s it pal, always remember that there is no life giving feeling that comes when envy is allowed to fester in our hearts for far too long. And like Lysa Terkeurst says ,’your heart is too beautiful of a place to allow hate ,resentment and bitterness to dwell.’
And for my story with the my favorite creator. It was envy.
Prayer: Dear God may the holy spirit remind us to understand that everyone has their own load to carry, to redirect our path, adopt the abundance mindset over the scarcity mindset and to shower the person we are envious of with love. AMEN
I cannot say I am a full jealous or envious girl (if that’s a thing) ,but there are times moments when these feelings sneak into my heart.
A while ago as I was dragging my feet on the idea of starting my blog. My favorite author and creator launched hers.
We have never met. She does not know me. But I know her and I have been a fan of her work.
There is a lot of inspiration and encouragement I consume from her content, but on this particular day. The day she launched her website, ugly feelings of jealousy and envy were begging to take up real estate in my heart.
All of a sudden ,the woman I admired felt like a competitor rather than a source of inspiration.
Was it jealousy or envy?
I’ve just discovered there is a difference between jealousy and envy! How often these words are used interchangeably.
In fact they are sometimes used as similes of each other, yet by definition they are not.
Envy is the desire to have what someone else has. The ‘what’ in question being possessions, people and position. Jealousy on the other hand is the fear of losing what or who you love to someone else or to a threat. You are usually jealous of the other person’s access to what is yours. Knowing whether it is jealousy or envy helps you have the proper antidote for dealing with the issue.
Jealousy attacks what you already have
Genesis 37 is a tale of Joseph and his 11 brothers. They shared a father. Jacob. He loved Joseph more than the other 11. (Genesis 32:3) . His affection was directed more towards Joseph than the other 11 and they hated him ( genesis 37:4)and became jealous of him ( Gen 37:11)
What were the brothers jealous about?
It was the affection and preference the father showed towards Joseph. Joseph became a threat towards their father’s affection towards them.
Notice .The mutual in this story is the father who is showering his love more towards Joseph than to the other brothers.
And that’s what jealousy is. When you believe there is a threat towards that which is your own.
Jealousy is concerned with 3 parties. You, the person you love and the threat.
I’ve noticed I often become jealous when I feel excluded by the person I love. Whether its a relative, friend ,sibling or partner. That which they are directing their attention towards ,becomes the threat to what I share with this mutual person.
Jealousy often manifests by either criticizing what the other person has. This is in an attempt to at least be in control of the situation.
Or overanalyzing/stalking the threat as a way to study what it is about them that has attracted your favorite person to them. Or when your throat tightens at the mere mention of their name.
Jealousy is often the fear of being excluded.
Feeling jealous is a normal human feeling.
The issue is when we let the J word live rent free in our hearts for a long time. When we allow jealousy to consume us it oftentimes manifests into envy.
Sometimes we struggle celebrating others because their achievements feel like pointers to our own uncertainties.
For example: you have been procrastinating ,stalling on the idea of starting something. Something being either a business or a YouTube channel. Your friend or someone you know launches hers. Instead of being happy for her it instead points to your own uncertainty of whether you have the courage and confidence to start yours.
Or your friend gets involved in a romantic relationship . Instead of being happy for them. It instead points to your uncertainty of whether you’ll find someone who will like you and this thought is substantiated by the fact that you have been single for 5+ years now.
Or your colleague seems to contribute something smart in every conversation you have with them or in a group setting , it makes you question your own level of intelligence.
Or maybe it’s someone you know who is always so confident in speech and in their conduct and instead of admiring them, you are intimidated.
Envy focuses on lack.
A friend gets employed at the company you both applied to. And instead of being excited for them , you feel you also deserved that job.
Someone you know has perfect clear skin whilst you struggle with acne and you start believing they are prettier than you are ,hence you become envious of them.
Or your friend posts a reel on her social platforms and it goes viral. With thousands of likes and comments on her posts. Yet you struggle getting to 100 views and likes on your own posts.
Envy is often fragrant when we spend time scrolling on social media and begin to look at ourselves and our lives through the lenses of what we have seen on our for you pages.
This might not be an exhaustive list ,but everyone at one point in their life struggles with the feelings of envy.
How do we deal with envy ?
1. Understanding that everyone is given their own load to carry.
This is a principle I learnt from the book Becoming more than a good bible study girl by Lysa T.
Whatever they have is not yours and you don’t have the capacity to carry the load of what they have. Both the good and the bad.
We are usually exposed to someone’s glitz and glamour online, but never the times when they cried, stressed, worried, were humiliated and embarrassed to get to where they are now. Or even the sacrifice and responsibilities that comes with the blessings.
We are each uniquely designed for something tailored for us
2. Redirect your path
If you allow it, envy can help you see the areas in your life that you had neglected. It can remind you of the areas you need to start focusing on.
This can begin by asking yourself this question, What is the one thing in my life that I keep procrastinating on?
How far with the plans of starting a podcast? What about the business you were planning on starting months ago? Remember you had plans to start going to the gym. How far with the goal to ‘read more books’ this year? And your spirituality? Remember you said you wanted to grow closer to God this year?
Maybe it’s time to start focusing on these plans now. And remove your energy from consuming content of the person you are envious of.
3. Adopt the abundance mindset over the scarcity mindset
Scarcity mindset is the belief that there’s not enough for everyone. When someone else achieves something or gets a blessing in the area you’ve always wanted , you feel as if something has been taken away from you.
Abundance mindset is believing that there is room for everyone. That God blessing someone else does not shortchange your blessing.
There is no one winner. We can all be winners . And we can defeat envy by adopting this mindset.
4. Shower them with love
Romans 12:21 reminds us to ‘overcome evil with good’. This-is-very-hard-to-do.
But the one way to overcome envy is to shower that person with love and then you pray for them. It is difficult to hate on the success of someone you have been praying for.
(I speak more about this in another post).
How do we deal with Jealousy?
Make peace with who are and who you were created to be.
Knowing who you are (psalms 139:14) begins by knowing where you come from.(genesis 1:26,27) (Gen 2:7)
The source of it helps you know what your identity is. You are identified according to who created you.
Your inner confidence therefore comes from the fact that God loves you . You are dearly loved .
While the person you love seems to be directing their attention to someone else. You should always remember that they can never replace you because who you are is only who you can be. You.
That’s it pal, always remember that there is no life giving feeling that comes when envy is allowed to fester in our hearts for far too long. And like Lysa Terkeurst says ,’your heart is too beautiful of a place to allow hate ,resentment and bitterness to dwell.’
And for my story with the my favorite creator. It was envy.
Prayer: Dear God may the holy spirit remind us to understand that everyone has their own load to carry, to redirect our path, adopt the abundance mindset over the scarcity mindset and to shower the person we are envious of with love. AMEN
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